My Story

It took 2 pregnancy tests to prove what I already knew: I was pregnant! Our excitement was immediate and very deep. Less than a week of finding out, my husband John and I drove 9 hours to tell my parents face to face. Their surprise at seeing us and joy of hearing our news was also shared by others. A friend gave me a bag of maternity clothes and I added a pillow to my new outfit to show off what I would look like in a few months.

John and I shared our happy news with everyone with ears. I had no fear of losing our baby so there was no reason to wait. The kindness and encouragement of others was very sweet. Everyone did all they could to keep me comfortable with lots of rest and food.

I decided I wouldn't have morning sickness and I never did throw up, but at times I felt very nauseous. Even ice-cream didn't sound good anymore. Pickles on the other hand were always delicious!

My blood pressure has always been low but pregnancy enhanced it. There were days I felt so tired and weak that I didn't have the energy to do anything but rest. John was always a great support and willingly took over my responsibilities when needed. I looked forward to my second trimester when I would have more energy.

I almost made it to my second trimester. The first day of my 10th week began with a phone call from a dear friend. She had been ecstatic when she found out I was pregnant and told me she was hoping to have a baby as well. Now she called to say she was indeed pregnant! I was thrilled for her and we made plans to stay in touch so that we could share the wonder of pregnancy together. Later in the day felt a bit crampy but I figured it was just round ligament pain and dismissed it.

The next few days were hard days. I had some spotting but since some expectant mothers bleed and are fine, I tried to stay optimistic... but there were a lot of unknowns. I went through several phases of worry, grieving, and acceptance. I could accept that despite my concerns everything would be okay but then something would change: deeper cramps or a small gush of blood and I would cry and worry all over again.

Three days after I first felt crampy, Dad called to ask if he and Mom could come see us. They planned to leave early the next day (Saturday), spend Sunday with us and then drive back on Monday. I had so badly wanted them to come but I never asked since traveling is so hard on my Mom. John and I of course said we would love to have them and my parents drove 10 hours to get here.

Shortly after they arrived I had another gush of blood and I knew we were going to lose our baby. I clung to Mom and cried. My cramps became more painful. Around 11:00 that night they settled into waves of intense pain in my lower back and stomach. The waves came every 5 minutes and then every 2 and then there was no break at all. John and Mom took turns pushing on my lower back. Early Sunday morning the pain subsided and I fell asleep.

A few hours later I woke up and ate breakfast. I mentioned how glad I was it was over. I was wrong.

I began to feel crampy again and it quickly settled into the pattern from earlier. Late in the afternoon the pain was very intense and I wasn't getting any break. It felt like a hand was in my uterus, tearing out it's contents. "Oh God, please just let it be over", I prayed. I focused on breathing and picturing the reef my sister told me about. I visualized myself floating in the ocean, gazing at bright colored coral and schools of tropical fish swimming around me.

Almost without my notice, the pain lessened. I got up to use the bathroom and felt our baby slip out. Despite my sadness, I was grateful 11 hours of the deepest physical pain I ever experienced was finally over.

I had planned to have a home birth so though we kept in contact with my midwives, we never planned to go to hospital unless something life-threatening happened.

In an odd way, the physical pain I endured helped me cope. I knew it wasn't just a bad dream. Passing the baby and other tissue helped with my healing. I had tangible evidence I was indeed pregnant and that we lost someone important. John built a tiny pine box and we had a small funeral.

The days and weeks following my miscarriage was filled with lots of tears and sadness, but there was also peace and hope. Friends and family lifted us in prayer and sent notes of condolences. Some even called to say how sorry they were. Their kindness touched us deeply.

The deepest peace came after listening to Lisa Beamer's book: Let's Roll! Lisa experienced the unexpected death of her father when she was a teenager and her husband when she was pregnant with their third child. Through each stage of sadness, God showed her the verses in Romans 11:33-36:

Oh, the depth of riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever! Amen.

God gives generously! He gives so much more than we could ever deserve! The pain over our loss is deep, but because Jesus died on the cross, blotting out my sin and offering the Gift of salvation... I know I will be reunited with the life that grew in my womb. I know our baby will never experience sadness or pain because our baby is in a perfect place: heaven. And that gives me hope!